Journaling...

I don't think that anybody is blogging out there anymore! And I am not sure anyone reads my blog anymore, therefore, tonight, I am using my blog for journaling purposes. I used to keep a journal, I used to write in it every day, up until the day I was married. Writing used to be very therapeutic for me, when I was angry or sad, in love and happy, I wrote. But one day, writing became a way of only venting my anger, I started only writing when I was angry, and who wants to look back and read only angry moments in your life? so i stopped. for a long time. But, after a talk in sacrament meeting on sunday, I have decided my new years resolution is to start keeping a journal again, about my LIFE!!

The end of 2009. I just can't believe it. Where is my life going? I can literally see day by day my kids getting older and slipping away little by little. it is a very painful process. i know its late tonight, its one oclock, and I know that late at night my emotions are closer to the surface than at any other time.

We have had a family "incident" for lack of a better word a few days ago by an extended family member, and it has left a big scar on my heart, and a lot of anger there too and a most unwillingness to forgive. What do you do in a situation like this?

Me and kaleb had a totally out of the blue conversation on christmas day about having another baby, him wanting one, me, still not.... but I feel like I am hurting him. How can I deny the person I love something he wants so much??

I have been thinking about how celine is going to be 13 in about six weeks, and that she only has 5 more years left at home, I can barely even write about it my heart hurts so much. my time with her is slipping away. how am I going to protect my children from this horrible world we live in?

these are the thoughts heavy on my mind tonight and for the last few days. Hopefully tomorrow I will go and get myself a journal and then I will have somewhere I can pour out my thoughts into without fear. but tonight, i needed this therapy.

I found it...

Just wanted to let you know that I found the spirit of christmas today! It just came, I wasn't even expecting it. I had given up on feeling it this year, nothing i had done seemed to make a difference. But I found it today, and it came in spending time with my family, watching my kids play with their cousins, sitting around talking and laughing with my family, doing our annual christmas party and traditions, feeling the love of my family, and then also seeing and feeling the thoughtfulness of so many friends and neighbors. Watching the movie "The Nativity" put out by the LDS church ( which i recommend to everyone to watch!) and feeling the love of my Savior, that all that I have is a gift from him, and I need to appreciate all that I have. I am blessed with so much, how could I not feel the spirit of Christmas in my life. I am happy! I feel joy! I feel love and thankfulness for all those around me. Here is wishing a very Merry Christmas to all!!!

The greatest gift....

Being a mother to these three kids is the greatest gift I have ever received!! Here they are on my favorite sunday of the year, christmas sunday!! I always like to get the kids a christmas sunday outfit, and get them all gussies up, which they hate, but don't they just look good?? This year, once again, christmas sunday didn't disappoint. Our sacrament meeting was the christmas story and music, nothing makes me feel the christmas spirit more then singing. It was beautiful. At least this is one way I have felt the christmas magic this year, still working on it in all the other ways.

From our home to yours....Merry Christmas!!

The Gillmans 2009

BIG events:

Celine turning 12 and going to young womans, tage turning 8 and getting baptized, celine going to girls camp, kaleb turning 30, kaleb getting a 2nd job, meg turning 30, celine starting jr. high, tage in 3rd grade, aliah starting kindergarten, aliah turning 6, meg getting a job.

little events:

dealing with the downturn in economy and adjusting our lives to match, moving my sister april and her family to san diego, trip to lake powell, trip to california and spending a day at disneyland, family reunion at cherry hill, meg being released from primary and put into young womans, kaleb being tages scout leader and then being called to Elders quorum, tage getting involved with scouts, tage playing soccer, aliah taking dance, celine continuing with art lessons, meg continuing with dance classes, kaleb playing all sorts of video games, meg enjoying her bunko group, enjoying the utah jazz season.

What a great and busy year 2009 has been, our family continues to grow up and change and we learn how to deal with it. Each year goes by faster and faster and I have to wonder where all the time has gone. We are blessed with a wonderful family, a great ward and great friends. We are glad to celebrate the birth of our Savior at this time of year and to be grateful for all of our many blessings. We wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and an even better 2010!!

Where are you christmas??

I am sitting here feeling the weight of at least MY world on my shoulders. Where is my christmas spirit? Where is my joy? What have I done for anyone but myself this month? How have I been a christ-like person? How have I remembered the real reason we celebrate christmas? I keep focusing on the wrong things, finding the perfect gift for the person that is impossible to please, thinking about all the STUFF that goes along with christmas, and not on the people and the important things. No wonder I can't get into the christmas spirit. If you want to feel christmas, then give it away. What have I given? Tonight was the downfall for me of all that christmas is not, I hurt the three most important people to me, my kids. They saw their mom totally lose it. All I have to do is look into their precious faces and know what is really important. I want to be better for them, because they deserve it. They deserve to feel the christmas spirit and to know what christmas is really all about, and they deserve to see it from their mom. I know I am not perfect, but I know that I am better than what I was tonight. I told them each I was sorry and I could see their love and forgiveness for me. This is part of what christmas is all about, forgiving those who have hurt us, loving someone even though they have disappointed you. I have 8 days to change how this month has gone for me, I don't know exactly how I am going to do it, but I can't let this Christmas go by without truly feeling the spirit of it. Merry christmas to all, I pray that each of you have found the spirit of the christmas that I am looking for!!

Fireworks and steak, sounds good to me!

Tonight at dinner Aliah asked," mom, can we go to that thing tonight they talked about at church, where they have fireworks and you eat steak???" What the.....I could not figure out what she was talking about. Then all of the sudden it hit me, "Aliah, are you talking about the Stake Fireside?"

'Yes, mom, thats it! can we go? I want to see the fireworks and eat steak!" We were all laughing hysterically at that one!! Now we know how these things sounds to a kid. Hhhmmmm...fireworks and steak, sounds good to me!

Where have all the bloggers gone???

Is it just that busy time of year? Or are blogs going out of style? I miss everyones comments!! And I miss your blogs too, keep up the blogging!!

I have not thrown myself into christmas this year like I usually do. Not that I am less excited for christmas, I think I am just more tired, and I want to keep it simple. The other day after working for 7 hours I came home and we put on the polar express. I love that movie, I tear up every time I watch it. That is one holiday tradition we do. And it was a nice way to spend time with the fam. Those are the kinds of things I want to do this year. Simple, stress-free. I am really enjoying my job,it is a new experience for me. I went back and read my post in January of this year when I wrote about all the changes that were going to come this year to our family. I am glad to say that I survived every one of them. We have moved on to a new phase of life, and, while it sometimes makes me sad, I am embracing it and enjoying it. Life is good. I hope every one is having a Very Merry Christmas! We even got our dog, max, some christmas cheer!!

A Christmas Tag

1.) Have you started your Christmas shopping?

started and finished a month ago! I am an early shopper, i like to get it done!




2.) Tell me about one of your special traditions.

Advent calendars. I buy a chocolate one for each of my kids and they love to open one a day. No matter that they are getting older, they still look forward to it.




3.) When do you put up your Tree?

On Dec. 1rst, or right after thanksgiving. Kaleb won't have any mention of christmas before thanksgiving!!

4.) Are you a Black Friday shopper?

I did it for the first time this year!! I think I'll do it again next year!!



5.) Do you Travel at Christmas or Stay home?

STAY HOME! there's no place like home.




6.) What is your funniest Christmas memory?

When i was a teenager, my dad put a present under the tree and told my little sister april that a boy had dropped it off, but he didn't know who. she waited all month to open that gift, and on christmas morning when she did, it was wart remover!! Her Face! I will never forget the look on it, we still have to tell that story every christmas!




7.) What is your favorite Christmas Movie of All time?

Man, i have to pick just one?

Elf.




8.)Do you do your own Christmas Baking, what’s your favorite treat?

Um, I'm not really a baker, but I love sugar cookies and cheese logs, and I do make both of those!




9.) Fake or Real Tree?

Real!! I love the smell.




10.) What day (as a Mom) does the actual panic set in to get it all done?

Thats why I do it all early so that I never panic!!




11.) Are you still wrapping presents on Christmas Eve? nope, they've been wrapped for weeks by then.




12.) What is your favorite family fun time at Christmas?

christmas eve, i love getting together with our families, having dinner, playing games, exchanging gifts.




13.) What Christmas craft do you like the best?

I love everything SNOWMEN!!




14.) Christmas music. Yes or No, and if yes What is your favorite song? YES! YES! YES! Looooove christmas music. O Holy Night, especially the version by Josh Groban.




15.) When do you plan to finish all your shopping? I'm all done, a month ago!

Merry Christmas all!! You can do this tag too if you like!

ps. april reminded me that it wasnt wart remover, it was lice shampoo!!LOL!

My Favorite Things

My favorite thing at Christmas time is reading christmas stories. I can sit for hours and hours and read story after story, and every single one makes me cry. At the beginning of November when I finally was starting to feel excited for Christmas, I pulled out this book, Secret Santa. It is the first book I read every year at the beginning of the christmas season. I have read it more times than I can count, and I cry every time I read it. It is the best book.

Once I have started my christmas reading, I just have to keep on going. Skipping Christmas by John Grisham is the next book I pull out. If you've seen the movie and think you don't need to read the book, your wrong! The book is SO much better!
Here is my next one. Again, a great christmas story with a great message.
For the last 4 or 5 years Richard Paul Evans has come out with a new book at Christmas time. If you haven't read any of his books, I HIGHLY recommend him, he is one of my favorite authors. Start with his first book The Christmas Box and then just keep on reading all of them. I picked up this book a week ago when I was sick and staying the day in bed. I started it and finished it in three hours and cried through almost the whole book. Go find his other books, The Gift, Finding Noel, Grace, you will spend a lot of time wiping away tears but they are amazing books!!
I also have a collection of short christmas stories, ones I read and reread every year. I just can't help it, I love the way they bring the Christmas spirit into my heart. So, grab a good christmas book and happy reading!!

Thanksgiving, Christmas, feeling grateful, being sick....Otherwise all known as LIFE!!

So, I am feeling guilty that I never did a Thanksgiving post, a post of what I am grateful for and how our Thansgiving day was. Well, the week of thanksgiving was started with tage getting sick, and then me. It was a LONG week. Tage had the flu for 4 days, its hard to keep a little boy down for that long. I started out with the flu ( body aches, chills, sweats, soar throat) for 2 days, then it moved into a terrible head cold, the kind where you want to remove your head from your body, then I got a lovely double eye infection, which was so painful, and then I 've had a soar throat for the last 5 days, and it is probably the most painful thing yet. I literally am sick of being sick!! I was up one night ALL night with aliah who was throwing up every 20 minutes or so. So, you can tell that I wasn't feeling too grateful for much lately. But, thats the selfish part of me talking. I am so grateful for SO MUCH!!! But, I will keep it short and just name the top 5 things I am grateful for.

1. My family, I could list individuals but that would take forever. I have the greatest parents ever, 5 sisters who are my best friends,2 sister in laws who are as good as sisters to me,7 brother in laws that are the brothers I never had, 15 nieces and nephews whom I adore, I love being an aunt. I have awesome in-laws, whom I love very much. I have the three most amazing kids on earth. They are literally angels sent down from heaven. I feel so lucky to be their mom, it really is the greatest blessing in my life.

2. Kaleb. I had to give kaleb his own number because I could never lump him with anyone else. He is the most important person to me. I think I am most grateful right now that he puts up with me, :0). through the good and the ugly. How I completely love this guy!!

3. Friends. I am always aware that I have blessed with some VERY good friends. I don't know if everyone is that lucky or not, but I feel blessed to know some amazing woman.

4. My job. Kaleb will laugh that I feel grateful for my job, but I do. First of all I am grateful that they hired someone who literally has no work experience. I enjoy working, I enjoy making money, I enjoy doing something that isn't being a mom or a wife.

5. And always, The Gospel. There are no words to say how eternally grateful I am for it. It is everything.

Before

After
So, here we are ready for Christmas!! Its no surprise that this is my favorite time of year. The music, the stories, the movies, the decorations, the lights. I love it all. Every single thing. The kdis are old enough now that they have taken over the decorating of the tree. All me and kaleb do is the lights. They love it, and I figure someday all my kids will be gone and then I can do my perfect tree, but right now, this is the perfect tree. My favorite thing at Christmas is wrapping presents. I get all my shopping done by december because then i wrap all december long. I love to turn on my fire, turn on the christmas lights, put on a christmas movie and wrap for 2 hours. Its amazing how long it takes to wrap gifts, and I'm not even that good. All year I have dreaded the coming on christmas this year, but, when it came, I was just as excited as I always am.

Merry Christmas!

Lookie Lookie!!

New Bunko Post!!!
www.bunkogirlsforlife.blogspot.com

Black Friday Firstie!!

Yes, I am ugly at 2 am in the morning, what did you expect??? :0)Old Navy
Walmart
Target

I have never done black friday shopping before, the waking up in the middle of the night and standing with other insane people in the freezing cold, but I wanted to experience it this year! I was going to try to get the Lego RockBand game free at old navy, but, that didn't happen. I went with my friend Laura and it was a blast!! We got up at 130, thats right, AM, and headed off to Old Navy in AF to stand in line with my other friend Robyn, who was there with her daughter. We got there at about 155 and stood in line til 3 am, then it was a mad dash into the store to find some great deals!! There were people everywhere and everyone was grabbing stuff, it was seriously the craziest thing I have ever seen. After about a half hour we got into line and it took us a little over an hour to get through it, it wound through the whole store. CRAZY what people will do to save a few bucks( im not quite that crazy!) I just wanted the experience of it and to see the people. So at 440 it was off to walmart, where they let everyone into the store ( after that man got trampled to death last year) and wrapped everything up in saran wrap. So people are standing around what they want ready to grab it as soon as it was opened up. At 5 am we just happened to be walking by the Nintendo DS gaming kits when it was opened and it was like shark frenzy!! People were grabbing and pushing....it was crazy! My friend Laura grabbed one just because everyone else was, and it ended up being a good thing, cuz it was a great deal!! Laura wanted to see if she could get the 98$ Nintendo DS so we went and stood in the line for it. This mother with her little boy ( about 8 or so) got into line behind us, he was so excited! His mom told us that he had been saving his money to buy a DS and that with this deal he could afford to get it. Well, with about 10 people in front of us they ran out of DS's. The look on that little boys face broke my heart as he buried his face into his moms arm and started crying. I knew that look on his moms face, the hurt she was feeling on behalf of her little boy who had worked so hard and waited for this. If any of those people in front of us had had a heart they would have given up their DS to that little boy. But no one did. Even as I write about it now I am tearing up for that sweet little boy. Life just isn't fair sometimes.

But after wandering for 20 minutes or so we got into line with Lauras sister. I found a few more good deals and we waited a little over an hour in line at Walmart. Then we were off to Target. We got there too late to get any of their good deals, but still ended up finding a few good things. Another line, another wait for about an hour. When we went into Target it was still pitch dark and when we got out it was light!! Time to go home. I walked in the door at 8 am just as kaleb was walking out to go to work.

It was such a fun experience. Next year we will bring food and drinks and blankies ( i was starving by the time we got to walmart) but we are planning on doing it again. Not because we are crazy and are trying to beat people up to get that one great deal :0) but because it was a fun experience!!!

Our New Moon Experience

Can I just say that it was one of the greatest nights??? I think the anticipation of it makes it that more exciting. And I am so glad that me and celine got to see it together, we had a great time!!

Our movie started at 12:37 pm, thats right, right after midnight. My friend Kylie rented a theatre and sold the tickets herself, so we all had assigned seating which was AWESOME!! No waiting in lines for hours and hours trying to get a good seat. It was fun and relaxing, and it was great to be in a whole theatre full of people you know, cuz there was lots of yelling and woopin and hollerin going on!! Its so fun to have a daughter to share this with, me and celine both are Twihards, it was one of the best nights with her!! and i ABSOLUTELY LOVED THE MOVIE!!

Celine started the night off by watching twilight with her two best friends!!

Here we are just getting to the movie theatre, it was cold outside!!
i made us both shirts for the big occasion.
Mine says " i married my edward"
There were literally HUNDREDS of people in the parking lot at the movie theatre...it was INSANE!!
We are definitely TEAM EDWARD!
me and my cute girl. loveher!
I guess Jacob is ok....:0)
In our seats waiting for the movie to start....so exciting!!
Here we are after the movie was over, happy that it was all that we hoped for and more!! Now we just have to wait for Eclipse...... AH!
Love you celine, thanks for a great night! ( even though you got sick the next morning, hope it was worth it!!)

New moon....

In exactly 72 hours from right now, I will be in my seat in the movie theatre, waiting for this movie to start....I don't think I can wait that long!!!

Pass It On....MERRY CHRISTMAS

* It was the month before Christmas*

*When all through our land,*

*Not a Christian was praying*

*Nor taking a stand.*

*See the PC Police had taken away,*

*The reason for Christmas - no one could say.*

*The children were told by their schools not to sing,*

*About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.*

*It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say*

* December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.*

*Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit*

*Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!*

*CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod*

*Something was changing, something quite odd! *

*Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa*

*In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.*

*As Targets were hanging their trees upside down*

* At Lowe's the word Christmas - was nowhere to be found.*

*At K-Mart and Staples and Penney's and Sears*

*You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.*

*Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty*

*Are words that were used to intimidate me.*

*Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen*

*On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !*

*At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter*

*To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.*

*And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith*

* Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*

*The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded*

*The reason for the season, stopped before it started.*

*So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'*

*Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.*

*Choose your words carefully, choose what you say*

*Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS , not Happy Holiday !*

Please, all Christians join together and wish everyone you meet during the holidays a MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Christ is The Reason for the Christ-mas Season!

My mom sent me this email. I think it is so sad, but so true. So read it, pass it on, say Merry Christmas everywhere!! Don't let them take Christ out of Christmas!

For April: First Snow

I knew it was coming, I could feel it in the air. Yep April, FIRST SNOW!! You love it the first day and then hate every day after(except for christmas!) Well, at least I do. But you have to admit, april, there IS something you miss about the snow being in California!! :0) So, I will bring a little bit of it to you, and don't worry, I am sure there will be plenty of it when you come home for christmas!!

My Beautiful Kids

I took the kids and got their pix. done the other day. It has been WAY too long since I have had them done and I didn't get school pix. this year ( too expensive.) But I got everything I wanted at Target for 25 bucks. The guy who took their pictures was awesome! He was so funny! But after I saw the pictures I wanted to cry. I can't believe how grown up my kids are looking, especially celine. She is so incredibly beautiful! I remember taking pictures with all three of them and they were all little, and now they are all big. It makes me sad. But, dang! do I have some good lookin kids!:0)

The photographer was totally impressed that Tage could do this and wanted a picture! :0)
I love this pix. This is exactly how tage looks ALL the time! Like, how the heck did i get stuck between two girls?!?!

I am beautiful...

Sorry for my earlier post of emotional throwup!! :0) Everyones comments calmed me down a lot! But, I am a little ashamed of myself for that post, I am better than that. I am not just a number on my scale. If I am a little curvier than a lot of people, well, maybe that is the way I am suppose to be. I am going to learn to love myself just the way I am. Whether I am a size 8 or a size 18, I am a daughter of god and I am beautiful. I don't think Heavenly Father would be proud of me for the bad thoughts I have about my physical body. I am exercising, enjoying life(and that includes enjoying food!), I am not lazy, nor do I push myself too hard. I try to take care of myself. The world will try to tell me that I am fat, that in order for people to love me I need to be skinnier, that in order for me to love myself I have to be a certain size. Well, I am not listening to the world anymore. I am listening to that other voice that tells me that I am beautiful no matter what my scale says. Maybe my physical appearance isn't what I want it to be, but I am going to try to not obsess about that anymore. These are the things that make me beautiful.

My family makes me beautiful. I have a GREAT family and GREAT inlaws. And I don't care that most of them are skinnier than me....hhmmm....:0)

The gospel. What can be more beautiful on a person then having the light of christ with them?
My husband. The love of a good man can do wonders for my self-esteem. And I know he loves me just the way I am! You all have to remember, me and kaleb started dating when I had a teenagers body! Well, I no longer have that body, but I know that kaleb still loves it.
My children make me beautiful. What is more important than teaching my kids to love themselves the way they are. To take care of themselves, but to find joy in life also. There has to be a balance.
My friends make me beautiful. And the sad fact ( for me) is that my friends are some of the most beautiful woman I know. Most of them still have their teenage bodies (or have even gotten better with age!) But, I know they love me for who I am on the inside, not what I look like on the outside.
I think the only way I am going to love myself is to only see the positive in my appearance! So, I am going to refrain from saying anything negative about my body from now on! I love myself, curves and all!!!

Fat Pig

Will someone PLEASE tell me HOW it is possible that i have gained 5 POUNDS in three days??tell me so that I don't feel like a HUGE FAT PIG!! I am running and drinking TONS of water, WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??? please give me some possible solution so that i don't sink into a hole of depression! I cant take this anymore, i am SO SICK of worrying about my weight!!