My mother heart.....

As a mother, is there anything harder than seeing your kids sad? Seeing them struggle with things you wish you could take away from them?  That they wouldn't have to learn these hard life lessons, but knowing they will be better people when they do. A mothers heart holds so much, and when it comes to her kids those things are magnified by a 100. Give me any trial in the world and I will face it over having to watch my children struggle with any small heartache. I give advice where I wish I could solve the problem. I give love where I wish I could make their world perfect.  The weight of their sadness weighs on me more heavily than my own ever could. I know by our trials we become better, stronger. But I don't want them to go through trials, but I do want them to become strong, so what is my choice??  I do my best to give them the tools they need to get through life and all of its struggles, but is it enough? As a mother, will I ever give them enough? Its so hard to be a mom, but its also the biggest blessing there is. Their joys are my joys, their sadness is my sadness, their struggles become my struggles. How can I best help them carry these burdens, though they may seem light to me, I know seem so heavy to them. I remember. I remember what its like to be them. I remember how hard life can seem at their age. And I wish they wouldn't have to know that too. That it's hard to be their age. It is. But, I love them enough to let them learn. But I will hold their hand through ever single day, hoping that today they are happy. That today, their troubles are light. That today is a good day for them. I will never stop.

I can....

I admit this about myself: there is not too many things that I have done that I am super proud of. One of my weaknesses is that if I don't want to do something, I either don't do it, or I have a really, really hard time making myself do it. I have done better as I have gotten older, but I still struggle.  Some people love to push the limits, to try the impossible, to test out every theory. Yeah, not me. I like to be comfortable. I like to know where I stand in all aspects of life. Birthing 3 children I am super proud of, I am a wuss when it comes to pain and that was a big deal for me. But I birthed my three angels like a champ (well, at least I think I did, kaleb might disagree. haha.) I barely graduated from high school because I disliked school so much, so I just didn't go. I have only really had 2 real jobs (besides being a mom) in my whole life. I am proud that I try to be a good mom, a good wife, a good sister, a good friend, a good person. But really, beyond that, when have I ever really pushed myself? I was proud when I did weight watchers and I lost 15 pounds. That really pushed me past my comfort zone. I have danced for the last 5 years, but thats easy because I love it and it doesn't even seem hard. But suddenly at the end of 2011 I found myself feeling the need for something more, something for myself that would push me, that would be hard, that I might not even like but that would be good for me. My good friend Corey has been telling me for a while to come do Crossfit with her. Her sister Camie, my other good friend, and her husband started their own Crossfit gym at their house. My first initial thought was, no way. Thats too hard. I don't want to do it. I kept telling Corey I would think about it. Then I was venting my frustrations to kaleb, telling him I felt like I didn't know what direction my life should go, I felt lost and unfulfilled. He suggested that I start going to cross fit. I said, Ok, I'll try it. Even Kaleb was surprised that I took his advice and did it. So now I have been for 3 weeks, and I am doing it!!!!  I push myself every time to do a little bit more than I want or what I think I can do. I feel proud of myself. Not that I think this is going to change my life and fulfill me in every way, but I think it is a very, very good start. I like going with a group of woman, they all cheer me on when ever I am doing anything. Its been really good for me. I feel happy. I feel like I am doing something good for my body and for my mental health.  Now I feel like I can say " I can do hard things" and mean it. I want to be a person that CAN do those hard things, no matter what.

More jazz.

Another win. Best family nights ever. :)

a great end, a great beginning.

Dec. 30th

We ended the 2011 year by going to the first home game for the Utah Jazz against the 76'ers. We went with April and Luke and we pulled off a WIN!!! Great night. :) Too bad kaleb won't take a normal picture. :)

Jan. 2nd.

We started off 2012 by taking the kids to a jazz game against the Hornets. another win!! I wish every year ended and started this way. It was the best.

So far 2012 has been so good, better than I thought it was going to be. I am lucky to have an awesome husband who helps me out in all things, whether he understands them or not, and pushes me to do other things, even when I think I can't do it. I have high hopes that this year will be great from beginning to end!!

Looking back, Looking forward...

On the last day of 2011, I sat down and read all my posts from the last year, to try to remember all the things that happened this past year. So many good things, a few downer things. Last year started off hard for me, I am determined this year is going to be different. I'm going to try to start this year off on a positive, happy note!! 2011 was mostly a great year. The highlights? Aliah getting baptized, Tage winning the pinewood derby, Celines play, me and Kalebs 15 year anniversary cruise. The downers? Well, lets not go there. :) I am not one for new years resolution, so I don't really make any specific goals for the year. But there are definitely things about myself that I want to improve and work on. There are many aspects of myself that I want to change for the better. Its a loooooong, slooooooow process. And so not easy. Remember, I am one who doesn't like change. :) New years eve was spent with my best friends(minus a few). We literally did nothing. And it was great. I may not be a great cook, but I can whip up some pretty awesome appetizers. :) I wanted lots of food to enjoy. So I made: bacon wrapped lil smokies, parmesan rolls, red pepper chip dip, sweat and sour meatballs, snicker doodle cookies, and monkey bread. With all the food everyone else brought we had plenty of good food all night long! We watched the jazz game, and sat around and talked for hours. At new years we watched the ball drop, and then everyone packed up and went home. For me, it was perfect. Low key, good food, great company. A perfect way to end the new year. I hope I can look back at the end of this year and be happy with what I have done, and not have any regrets. Life is too short and goes by way to fast for any regrets. I look forward to blogging all the highlights of this year, and hopefully there won't be many low points to blog about. :) Glad for all of you who are still out there reading my blog!!! Happy New year!!!

Is it sad that I took pix of the food and not of the people??? I am sad. :)