Coveting

Oh, I want these!!

and these, oh yes, aren't they fabulous?
these ones too! oh they would go perfectly!
do these also come in red?
I dream in shoes.....

I hate pigs.

Just when I thought that I was doing better, things were feeling better, I go and get a stupid speeding ticket today!! I have never, in all my almost 16 years of driving, had a speeding ticket. And the stupid thing is, I didn't even know I was speeding! I was going 68 in what I THOUGHT was a 65 on the freeway. The cop that pulled me over was of course a big jerk. Don't they teach them to be nice? He said I was in a "construction zone" and the speed limit was 55 and didn't I see the signs that were posted. Well, no honestly I didn't. Because there was NO CONSTRUCTION going on where I was driving on the freeway. He told me he was "letting me off easy" by giving me a 9 over in a regular zone, I guess I should be grateful, but really I am just mad. And let me tell you that he singled me out for some reason because EVERYONE was going as fast or faster then me. Guess thats just my luck right now. Sigh......

Growing

January 21st, 2011

September 7th, 2010

Can you see how fast my hair grows? this is FOUR months of growth! How can I enjoy having short hair when its only that short for a little bit. Now I need to decide do I cut it back short or let it grow. I am not a person who likes getting my hair cut every six weeks, I am a once to twice a year kind of girl! But its also nice to be able to go through all these lengths of hair in a short time. I have only had once or twice when I have really missed my long hair. I don't know if I will ever grow it long again.

Therapy: everybody is doing it

Now that I have spilled all my innermost feelings and thoughts, I feel the need to write about what I DO about it. I have come to realize that if I sit around and do nothing, I only feel worse, which makes everything worse! I am one who keeps everything inside until it EXPLODES out of me, literally, with hysterical crying and lots and lots of talking, and its always Kaleb who gets that wonderful job of listening to it all. I always wonder if I was better at talking about things at the beginning, when they aren't so bad, if it would be better for me overall. But its the insecurity of admitting that you are vulnerable and need help that is the hardest to admit. But everyone has there own "therapy" of how they deal with their own problems, some are good and some are bad. Here are a list of mine.

Sun/light therapy: It is a proven fact that the lack of vitamin D can cause depression. That is why so many people suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. So when the suns come out I am constantly in it. And for the days (and weeks) when there is no sun, I have a special light I sit in front of in the morning that is suppose to give you that good dose of vitamin D.

Book therapy: If I don't want to deal with my life anymore, I lose myself in someone elses story.

Food therapy: This one isnt good, because gaining weight only makes you feel worse, but in that moment when I am eating my hamburger/dr.pepper/french

fries/chocolate/candy/whatever makes me happy in that moment, I feel soooooo good.

Retail therapy: Not always a good thing, but sometimes just going and buying yourself something instantly makes you feel better, at least for that moment.

Husband/friend therapy: this is one of the best therapies but also one of the hardest. It is hard to admit to someone that you feel like crap and everything seems horrible. But if you can finally talk to a husband/friend about it, it always ends up making you feel better. Its nice to have a good support system and people you know you can always count on.

Writing therapy: I do this one a lot, because it is easier for me to write then to talk. This blog has been the source of many therapy sessions for me and I sure appreciate it.

Spiritual therapy: This is a sure no-fail therapy that works every time. When life seems down, Sundays are always my best day, because I am focusing on spiritual things for a lot of the day. Some weeks all I do is look forward to sunday, because I know it will be a "day of rest" from the demons that are plaguing me.

I really appreciate everyones comments from my last post. I would never wish another person to feel depression, but since most of us do at some point, its good to know others have felt as you do and understand. I hope I can reach out to others when they need it and let them know that they are not alone either. Not having a perfect life pretty much sucks :) but the part of my life that is close to perfect are the great people I have in it, my friends and family. Can't express how much I love you all!!! You made my burden a little bit lighter. Thank you.

This post comes with a warning:

WARNING:

this post is full of emotional downage on my part, because that is how I am feeling. If you don't like to read other peoples downs, don't read this. If you don't believe in depression, don't read this. If you don't like it when people share their dirty laundry with the world, don't read this. If you are a person who won't admit that your own life isn't perfect, don't read this. This is me, if you don't like it, don't read it.

I randomly came across this post the other day while reading a friends blog. I now believe it was a little heaven sent.

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html

A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression, and, with the help of my husband, came to REALIZE it. I took medication for about a year and half and it truly helped. I thought that I had overcome it. I thought that I had it beat. But then, lately, some things have started popping up in my head that aren't normal. Thoughts like, people don't really like you. People don't really want to be around you. You're not good enough. And I noticed. And I knew that my depression was creeping in through the back door, hoping not to be noticed. And though I realized what was happening, I couldn't help but FEEL like it was real. If a friend told me they couldn't hang out one day, I would sit home and cry, sure that that person really just didn't want to be around me. If kaleb had other plans on a night when I was home, I would be sad all night. Things like this began happening every day. In the midst of all this, I read this article, and I cried. Because it was as if it was written about me. I truly believe ( or at least myself tells me I do) that people will only like me if I'm perfect. If I am always fun to be around, and always dressed right, if my hair is always done and I always say the right thing and I never get too fat and my house is always clean. I tell myself that people don't like people who are depressed, who feel down, who are overweight, who may be weird sometimes, who dont always say the right thing, who isn't the life of the party. The other part of me tells myself that I am the only one who feels this way. Everyone else is secure, everyone else is beautiful and fun and PERFECT! But then came this article, and I am reading that everyone feels this way at some point. And I know that all that I think and feel is wrong, but how do I get my head and heart to agree? So that is where I am now, trying to get all parts of me to agree. Telling myself over and over, it isn't true, you have friends, people like you, you are a good person. And I keep hoping if I say it enough, eventually I will beat down this thing called depression. And then I realize that I am lucky and blessed, because I have a husband who sat down and listened to all my rantings and fears and worries, and then he says these things right along with me. You are good, you are beautiful, you aren't worthless, people like you, I like you. And slowly I can feel myself coming back to the light. I don't want to feel the pressure of trying to be perfect. And I know nobody else does either. We are all just human trying to get through this life with as much joy as possible. And it makes it even better if we can help each other along the way. I know I will be ok, I know I will get through this. I know.

3 good days

Day 1: Monday

I baked bread!! :) all by myself. :) :)

Back in october my very sweet neighbor taught me how to make this bread. It goes from start to finish in One hour. I have had good intentions to make it, but I didn't have a mixer, and making it by hand is a little harder. Well, I got this bad girl for christmas, SO EXCITED! I finally got ALL the ingredients that the recipe called for and on monday night at 6pm, I started my bread.

By this point I was wondering if they were going to turn out. If I failed on my first try I might not try again for a long time! I hate failing at cooking ( which I do alot.)
But at 7:05 I pulled these beautiful loaves out of the oven! One is just white bread, and one has italian seasonings on it. My family all gave their verdict: delicious! Me: SUCCESS!! This is a great bread, there is SO many things you can do with it and it only takes ONE HOUR! If anyone wants to learn how to make it, I would be happy to show them!

Day 2: Tuesday

The pine wood derby. Basically the academy awards of scouts. Tage won first place last year. Dad helped with the car and we tried to prepare tage that he probably wouldn't win it again this year. He was fine with that. But lo and behold, tage won EVERY race! First place winner 2 years in a row. Guess we gotta go for all 3 next year! Tage was one happy kid and had great sportsmanship, which I was also very proud about.

Day 3: The Jazz Game

Kaleb got our family tickets to 3 games for christmas and this was the first one. We scored 2 more signatures for our ball, Raja Bell and Jeff Hornaceck, who we also got this sweet picture with tage!
Both tage and aliah brought signs to the game, and I think the highlight for them was when they were shown on the Jumbotron!
Guess I need to work on spelling with tage, lol! But I liked the way he fixed it! :)
Of course the best part was the jazz WINNING! 131 to 125! Go jazz!!

It was a good week to have good days like this. I think heavenly father knows when you need some good things in life, and I have needed them this week for sure. Wouldn't it be great if all weeks could start this good??

My attempt at being organized...

On this great website called 1saleaday I found these things called the wonder hanger! Im sure you have all seen the infomercial on them. well, they were FREE plus 6$ shipping, so I decided to buy a pack because, as you can see, my side of the closet is overflowing. I needed some help.

Here they are, the thing that was suppose to change my life. I would be able to organize 40 pieces of clothing total. I thought, I can't have too many more clothes than that.... Ok, I was very wrong. It held up to maybe a 1/5th of all my clothes. It did open up a little more closet space. But I came to some conclusions...
1: I have too many clothes.

ok, that is the only conclusion I came too. But as I went through them all trying to get rid of anything, I just couldn't! I really intend to wear ALL of these clothes.
So here is the after shot, I guess it got me a little more organized, but it definitely didn't change my life.
See that little pile in the corner? That is what I decided I could live without. There is my attempt at organization....maybe for the year????

Just a thought I wanted to share...

I was reading through some random strangers blogs ( i know you all do it too!) and I decided that my favorite posts to read are ones when people are brutally honest and admit that their life isn't perfect, that they aren't perfect, that sometimes life just sucks, but hey, ya gotta keep moving forward. To me, these posts are much more inspirational than the post after post of "this is my perfect life"....dont get me wrong, I like the posts about peoples good things in life, everyone has those too! But if you don't post the crapt along with the good, well, I just don't relate to that at all. When I started my blog, I wanted to make sure I was never one of those people who tried to pretend I had a perfect, or close to it, life. Because I sure as heck DON'T! And looking back over my blog, I feel like I've given a lot of both. Thanks for stickin with me through all my good and all my crapt. :)

Out with old, in with the new

We spent a fabulous New Years Eve weekend up in Midway with my sister in law jamie and kalebs brother luke and their kids, her sisters amy, kylie, jenessa and their families! We had a great time eating food, playing texas hold'em, eating food, playing cards, playing Sorry, watching movies, eating more food, playing in the snow(the kids anyways), and just relaxing. The guys got more than their share of football and basketball games and the girls got their share of sitting around talking. Loved every minute of it! We almost missed the new years though, we were too busy in the middle of a serious texas hold'em game!

Givin my sweetie a new years kiss!

the kids got to stay up til midnight too!
Princess aliah in her new year attire.
Happy 2011!!
2010 was a great year. I would definitely say there were more ups than downs, which is always a good thing. My kids are doing great, me and kaleb are doing great, I personally am feeling great! Our finances aren't so great, but, well, not everything can be perfect and we are definitely surviving. I know its funny, but I feel like I am finally growing up. You would think that at 31 and a half I would already be there but I have definitely matured and mellowed out a lot in the last couple years. Sometimes I miss that old me, I was much more carefree, a little bit more immature, but I guess you could say now I am older and wiser. Not sure if that is a good thing though. I feel like the biggest lesson I learned this year is that nothing stays the same, no matter how much you want it to, especially when it comes to people and friendships. Life changes, people change, circumstances change, feelings change, SO many things change. Its hard to let go of things and just accept that this is the way they are now. Thats part of the me maturing part, I am learning to accept things that I can't control and just try to be happy about it. I have also come to be a lot more grateful for the things and people in my life that DO stay the same, that I know I can always count on. I am much more aware of the blessings in my life now, and I try not to take anything or anyone for granted. It isn't hard to say goodbye to a good year when you hope that the next one is going to be even better. We look forward this year to celine turning 14, tage turning 10, aliah turning 8 and being baptized and me and kaleb turning 32. Hopefully the economy will be kinder to us, but if not, I know we will keep on surviving. I look forward to still being in Young Womans, even though celine is going to be moving up to Mia Maids next month. I look forward to the time I get to spend with my kids, watching them grow. I look forward to another year with kaleb, it will be 15 this year! I look forward to all the good times that will come with family and friends. I am not a fan of new years resolutions, so I don't really make any, but I do hope to be a better mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter and any other area of my life that needs improving ( which is all of it.) I know its going to be a good year!