May 10, 2015
Well, every once in a while, I need to come back to my blog to write. There are some things in my head that I want to put out there.
Mothers Day. I've had so many of them. I am sure I am like every other mom, some times I like mothers day, sometimes I detest it. Sometimes I want to pretend I am not a mom at all. ;)
But this mothers day, I embrace it with all my heart.
This was my last mothers day as I know it. Every mothers day for 18 years has been pretty much the same. But next year, it will all be different.
Today my last child sang to me in my last mothers day sacrament primary sing. Next year, none of those cute kids will be mine.
Next year Celine will just be finishing up her first year of college, and who knows where else her life will be taking her. How will Mothers Day ever be the same when my little birds are flying from my nest.
I will not even tell you how many times I have cried in the last week, because you all would think I was crazy. My heart feels pretty fragile right now, even though I know I am strong. And I can do hard things. And watching my family go in different directions, will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than running my half marathon last year. Harder than going 2 whole months without Diet Dr Pepper. Harder than being pregnant 3 times and giving birth 3 times. Those were easy compared to how hard it is going to be to drop Celine off at college this fall and drive away. And then knowing in a few years I'm going to have to do it again with tage, and then again with aliah.
I want my family to stay together always. But....I also want grandkids. So, I know I can't have it both ways.
I ended my Mothers Day with my family, watching each of my kids Baptism videos, which shows pictures of them from birth up till their baptism day. Yes, I guess I just like to torture myself. Aliah always asks me if I want to go back and have my kids be little again. The answer is always, yes and no. I want them then and I want them now. I will always be sad seeing how fast they grow up, but I love who they are now. It will always be bittersweet.
But, I have so much happiness that we have had a happy family life....among lots of yelling and fighting and slamming doors and running away...we have been happy. And on this Mothers Day, my heart feels very full of gratitude.
