Motto:

My (NOT) so perfect life

My friend posted an article the other day on facebook about how people only Facebook/pinterest/tweet/instagram the perfect times of their life, leaving the rest of us to believe that they have a perfect life, and we don't. (here is the link if you would like to read it:http://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/tech/stop-instagramming-your-perfect-life)

Yeah, I am tired of seeing/reading everyone elses perfect life.

Somedays, lately, I have the thought: I don't know if I can be ME forever. That feels like a pretty big weight to bear. Being ME is a lot of the times, freakishly hard. For who knows what reason. My own fault, I am sure. But really, I need to really start working on loving myself, if I am going to have to be me forever. and ever. wow. 

To quote chandler from friends: "can I be that guy over there?" ( if you are a friends fan like me, you will know this scene :)

I had a lightbulb moment just the other day. WHY did I seem to be happy with myself only a few years ago. I was happy with who I was, happily secure in my friendships and relationships, and then, BOOM! One day, out of the blue, I am thrown a loop, which I still seem to be trying to figure out. Why did all of the sudden I start questioning every part of my life? Things I used to be so sure of, I am so UNsure of. People I used to feel so secure about, I feel the opposite. I am just not quite sure about anything anymore. Here is what I came up with the other day:

Life was crazy for a lot of years, raising 3 kids, I never had any time to myself. Then, holy cow, one day, it happens. They are ALL GONE! At the same time. To school. Every day. 

And all of the sudden I have all this time to think. About myself, my life, who I am, where I am going, what I am doing. And all of the sudden, I think I was very unsure of who I was. I had spent so many years being my kids full time mom, that I never had TIME to think about much else. But now, I have LOTS and LOTS of time.  And maybe I just don't know anymore who I am. And I feel that if I don't know who I am, then I can't love myself, and if I don't truly love myself, how can other people?

I just want to be ok with me. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. And I want to be ok with other people not being ok with me. Because I am who I am. Sometimes I think to myself, why do I want to be around people who don't seem to give a rats butt about me. And I know, its because I want them too. Definitely a weakness on my part. Something else to work on. 

Well, this has been quite therapeutic. Blogging seems to be on the outs these days, but to me, it is my place to go, to remember,  to write, to document. 

I want to end with a segment from that article that I loved:

And on the days when you peer into the screen of your laptop and all you see are other people’s peak experiences that highlight your lack in that moment, remember that life isn’t about the story you tell about yourself on the Internet. It’s about a million more beautiful and complex things than that, like love and faith and really listening. It’s about using what you’ve been given to craft a life of gratitude and passion and grace.

Remember that the very best things in life can’t be captured in status updates.

Lets play catch up...

I am so behind on my blogging, but I am not giving it up. Kaleb turned 3 years of my blogs into books, and I think they are the best journaling I have. I think it is so important to keep it up, I just haven't been feeling it lately, but, I am plugging through. So, here is all thats been happening in the last few weeks of the gillman family.

One exciting thing, Celine got asked to prom! I think I was just as excited as she was. ;) We have the dress all ready to go(thanks to her aunt kwinci!) now we just need to figure out shoes, hair and makeup.  I love being a mom of girls. :) She goes to prom on the 27th, I am so so so excited that she is going. Her first prom. :) A (cute) boy named Garrek asked her, he is super nice and we approve. :)

 Here she is answering him. This is an inside joke. When she got asked to prom, kaleb said, hey, he never asked me if he could ask you to prom. Then Garrek came over one night soon after and Kaleb said to him, You never asked me if you could take celine to prom.... Garrek was a little tounge-tied. :)  So we used that as a way to answer him. Of course I had to be involved, thats the kind of annoying mom I am. :)

 I kinda blogged about tages bday party, but here is a few pictures to go along with it. His alnighter really was an allnighter. They were up til 5 am. I was a zombie the next day. But he had a blast. 

Treat boxes for all the boys.

 Leif, tage, brandon, taylor and zach.

 Kaleb got him a gun for his bday and he was SO happy. :) weird boy stuff. 

 Halo tournament. for hours.

 Tage made this sign, welcome to the man cave, lol!

 Easter Sunday, tage turned 12 the day before and was ordained right after sacrament. It was a great experience for me. I am so proud of him!! What a great young man he is turning into. 

My handsome men.

And my beautiful girls.

We spent spring break in st. george at Jamies parents house and we spent 4 fabulous days in the sun, playing, swimming, tanning, eating. I discovered dirty diet dr peppers(which I will never be the same from!) and started my tan for the summer. It was pure heaven for me. 

Well, that wasn't too bad!! Life is pretty crazy around here, I'll try not to be a slacker anymore!!