determined...

I know, I know. I still owe a whole big post about our california vacation!! It is coming, I promise. But tonight, I needed a place to write out the thoughts and feelings in my head. Things change. The weather changes. Summer turns to fall and fall into winter. The warm nights change to bitter cold. I dread every minute of it. The last two winters, after a wonderful fall and a great christmas, depression has hit me full force out of no where.  Like sunk me to the bottom of a black  hole. I am afraid. It makes me anxious. Will this winter be the same? Will come january the dark cloud hang over me again, with no end in sight? I am determined that this winter will be different. I will not let that blackness into my soul. I don't care how many times that voice in my head tells me that nobody loves me, I will not listen to it. I will continue to exercise, I will enjoy any sunny day that comes and try to find the positive in all the  gloomy days ahead. I will reach out to my family and friends.  I will reach out to people I don't know. I will take comfort in my husband and children.  I will rely on God. A lot. I am determined. No one should ever have to feel like I have felt. No one should ever feel so alone in this world. No one should ever go one minute of their life thinking they are unloved. If you have ever felt like I have felt, take comfort in knowing that someone knows how you feel. Someone does care. I do. If you need someone to reach out to you, I can be that person. I remember curling up in bed crying and crying that someone, anyone would reach out to me, because otherwise I didn't know how I was going to get out of that bed. And in some way, someone always did. I am not going to be afraid anymore. I have faith that I can get through this winter, and be happy, and feel joy and purpose, and feel loved. I am in charge. I hope in 6 months I can come back and read this, and smile, because my determination paid off.